For a week, my mind has been racing with the strengths and needs of various organizations, programs and individuals in Haiti. I have reread Aftershock by Kent Annan…I have listened to inspiring music…I have observed poverty…I have observed contentment. My heart has experienced the full range of emotions from utter joy to deep longing. The inner voices were a constant chatter during the entire trip….”what do you think of this? why is it this way? how do you feel? how do you respond? what is next? where will you connect?”…. The thinking jumped to the “doing stage” with conversations about plans to keep a school running, making lists, creating budget spreadsheets, sending emails, doing research…
…and then I reached a point where I simply needed to take a break from all of the thinking and planning and doing.
So…yesterday afternoon, I whipped up an iced coffee, grabbed a magazine to flip through, perused the latest pins on Pinterest, took a nap, went for a run-listening to a little Florence and the Machine and Jason Mraz, sat on the deck with appetizers and a glass of wine with my family…
There is a constant struggle to do the right thing…to be engaged in the world…to make a difference. There is the guilt, because no matter what…it never feels like enough. When I step outside of my comfort zone and see things other than my norm, I feel that there is a responsibility. I hear the whispers to keep on keeping on…
The bible states:
“For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.”
I have much. I am willing to give. I am committed.
And yet, I long for lazy days…I selfishly desire coconut mochas and a little reality TV…I like to browse the mall (or better yet, TJ Maxx or Marshall’s)…I am willing to spend $ on ingredients to cook with and hours in the kitchen perfecting Creme Brûlée or chocolate lava cakes. I love to travel…to spend time lounging in a hammock. Some of the things I choose feel luxurious…and then there is the guilt.
I will choose to seek truth. I will do my best with the gifts I have been given. I will choose to break free from guilt. There are no easy answers. And yet, all it may take is one little step at a time.
Am I alone? Anyone else struggle with this? Take a risk…leave a comment…continue the courageous conversation.
Carpe Diem-Sieze the day!