finding balance in my return.

For a week, my mind has been racing with the strengths and needs of various organizations, programs and individuals in Haiti. I have reread Aftershock by Kent Annan…I have listened to inspiring music…I have observed poverty…I have observed contentment. My heart has experienced the full range of emotions from utter joy to deep longing. The inner voices were a constant chatter during the entire trip….”what do you think of this? why is it this way? how do you feel? how do you respond? what is next? where will you connect?”…. The thinking jumped to the “doing stage” with conversations about plans to keep a school running, making lists, creating budget spreadsheets, sending emails, doing research…

…and then I reached a point where I simply needed to take a break from all of the thinking and planning and doing.

So…yesterday afternoon, I whipped up an iced coffee, grabbed a magazine to flip through, perused the latest pins on Pinterest, took a nap, went for a run-listening to a little Florence and the Machine and Jason Mraz, sat on the deck with appetizers and a glass of wine with my family…

There is a constant struggle to do the right thing…to be engaged in the world…to make a difference. There is the guilt, because no matter what…it never feels like enough. When I step outside of my comfort zone and see things other than my norm, I feel that there is a responsibility. I hear the whispers to keep on keeping on…

The bible states:
“For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.”

I have much. I am willing to give. I am committed.

And yet, I long for lazy days…I selfishly desire coconut mochas and a little reality TV…I like to browse the mall (or better yet, TJ Maxx or Marshall’s)…I am willing to spend $ on ingredients to cook with and hours in the kitchen perfecting Creme Brûlée or chocolate lava cakes. I love to travel…to spend time lounging in a hammock. Some of the things I choose feel luxurious…and then there is the guilt.

I will choose to seek truth. I will do my best with the gifts I have been given. I will choose to break free from guilt. There are no easy answers. And yet, all it may take is one little step at a time.

Am I alone? Anyone else struggle with this? Take a risk…leave a comment…continue the courageous conversation.

Carpe Diem-Sieze the day!

9 thoughts on “finding balance in my return.

  1. Hi Sara! Thanks for writing about these feelings of being richly blessed, wanting to give more and the balance of all feelings in between. Keep on keeping on!
    Michelle

  2. oh sweet Sara, I can so relate with those feelings of guilt. I think because we are so blessed and feel the goodness and blessings God has given us; we are wanting to do more, be more, and accomplish more. I just hope that you can see the difference you are making & the enormous accomplishments you make by each little (and big) thing you have done. The time you have spent in Haiti has changed so many lives! You have touched the hearts of so many and you have done so much – Bree is an amazing young woman & her heart is changed through your trips and watching you be her mom; Stanley & Davensly have forever homes and God has used you to secure those for them; & the teachers are teaching because of what you have done and so, so much more! God is working through you in all that you do – with your family, your work, and in Haiti! I have watched all that is happening since Eli came home and it is absolutely God’s big hand at work and it is amazing and awe-inspiring to see how He makes the connections and reaches out through different people to make the difference in the lives of so many! Jesus came so that we can have life and have it abundantly! Work hard, play hard! It is such a conundrum but it is so amazing to see from the outside! You are His Child with whom He is well pleased!

  3. You know I struggle with this Sara. My eyes fill with tears when I try to talk about it. It is so hard to see the families struggling in our schools, and in our world, and then taking a family trip to Mexico or Disney World. There is sooooo much guilt. Loved this post.

  4. I’m currently sipping on coffee with coconut caramel (aka Samoa) creamer and a shot of malibu because it’s been a “hard day”. I get the dilemma and think you display commendable balance. Also, you speak my food language, if there is such a thing.

  5. You are not alone, my friend! And anyone who knows even the tiniest bit about you would NEVER think of you as selfish! After a week like we just shared, with our minds, hearts and bodies on overload, re-entry REQUIRES a break to process, relax and recharge. Keep breaking free. You are Awesome 🙂 and this was a precious post 😉

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